reciprocation in itself
unrequited love, and perhaps how to grow (or not) from it - (an imaginative piece)
it kills a person, not knowing whether they feel the same about you.
stuck in the dark, with nothing—not even a torch—to help you navigate through it and find your way out, because you simply can't tell if they mirror your feelings of love.
a lack of clarity
being unsure whether you can even call it love while feeling intimidated to even call it merely a form of liking, let alone allowing it to branch out into a fuller concept.
yet no matter the label, it can kill a person, seeing yourself in a changed light: picking up their little mannerisms, their subtle accent, or the phrases they use in daily conversation. it kills a person, not knowing exactly who you are, because you're too caught up in them.
and so the saga goes: you can hint at it every now and then, let them know of your comfortingly nice intentions to convey how you feel for them, but they won't realise it anyway because that really is just being ‘kind’; you can drop random compliments in conversation hoping they'll take it to heart with a smile on their face, realising it wasn't just an ordinary compliment—yet one layered with much more than just ‘kindness’; you can make plans together for the future regardless of how achievable (or not) they are; or you can simply gaze at them from close enough (or subtly from afar) admiring their features, knowing they will probably never notice.
and this can kill a person.
it's just not you
it can kill a person from the inside knowing you crave their reciprocated feelings too, despite knowing there's a probable chance it won't happen.
why?
perhaps someone else occupies their thoughts and takes up their brain capacity, or someone else fills their dreams with their spontaneous, fun-loving personality and non-awkward presence; or someone else talks to them more often, makes them feel heard and relatable after cracking the same types of jokes and hopping on the bandwagon of sharing the same ‘wild’ thoughts; maybe that someone woos them completely with their noble yet talkative charms and catches up with them every day without fail; or maybe that someone even spends more time with them too—all without you realising it.
and with all this talk about not just ‘the other woman’ but ‘the other man’ too: it can kill a person—perhaps it will always be them:
they’ll1 always be more fun and outgoing, and always know what to say in every situation, they'll always engage in the most philosophical talk having read the most well-known classics, they'll always get good grades in their literature-based subjects too—no wonder they makes good conversation. they'll constantly be fortunate enough to see ‘your person’ more than you do—of course, they'll always be the one that they treasure interactions with and make the most of time they spent together, they’ll have been their ‘first’ for most of the things they experimented with or tried out, they’ll always be confident enough to look them in the eye and challenge them with a knowing smirk on his face—something you couldn’t possibly bring yourself to do. they'll almost always be there for the one you have eyes on, instead of you, and always linger in their notifications too. their presence won't leave ‘your person’s’ mind, but it won't leave yours either. they captivates them more than you could ever do:
and it kills a person, knowing that they are always there.
leave it all behind
it kills a person, knowing that in your eyes, they seem to do it better than you ever could. how come they have everything you lack? or maybe it’s coincidence that your personalities actually seem to overlap? you long to discover what your crush found in them that they didn’t find in you, yet you forget, you are your own person too.
who can blame them for being who they are? who can blame them for setting their eyes upon the other man or woman, with no intention of ever looking away? who can blame you for being in such a sticky situation—how were you meant to know?
you will never be them. you can block their social medias all you want, whenever you want, or flinch at the mention of their name; you can force yourself to stop thinking about anything remotely linked to them at all, or you can just ignore it all and take a neutral response. i mean, you may think they can do it all better than you—but really, can they?
it kills a person, knowing no-one is at fault here, yet it kills you too that you can’t do anything about it.
trying to discard your feelings and move on has a difficulty level almost equal to that of an Olympic sport: how were you ever meant to simply disregard everything you ever felt for them? how were you meant to forget those 02:31 am diary entries on your notes app half-full of rants and half-full of poems about them? or those late-night breakdowns while doom scrolling your sleep away and coming across a coincidentally, extremely accurate TikTok that likens the creator’s situation to your own? or that song you both developed a connection with in the same way, and always referenced in conversation? or the moments where you both shared a quiet silence and just sat together enjoying each other’s being? bringing yourself to undermine the value of it all is simply impossible.
and it can kill a person, having to take down every precious moment you framed in the halls of your memory, but who said you have to?
you don’t need to forget any of it. maybe it’ll come with time, maybe half of it will fade and half of it will linger, or maybe it will never leave you.
you will never be them, but they will never be you either. time has funny ways of bringing people together, so i guess in the end, nothing is really down to you at all, except how you let it affect you.
signed,
hem
i have purposefully been very vague with pronouns ! you can read it from whichever perspective you like as it is an imaginative piece and can flow all ways !
p.s.
just wanted to try something new and see how i feel about more fictionally creative pieces on this platform ! i’ll probably stick to non-fiction for now, but let’s see how this goes…